This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy