its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
