btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Let's get the cat blown out
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.