I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly