So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
