why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
