Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize