Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
