All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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