Will you blow on my dice?
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
