last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My hand turned me down
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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