he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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