I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
