How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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