She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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