I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
As shirtless as possible
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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