Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
