I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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