On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
