can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
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When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
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Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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