Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
