DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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