my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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