if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
