I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This is the high leading the old right now
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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