Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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