I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
