It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
