just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
