That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
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Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
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Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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