Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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