God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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