you have to choose: penises or morals?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
