You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
