he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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