two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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