If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
