i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
