Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She is in my trunk
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
false alarm. still invincible.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
