i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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