captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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