theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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