I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
