dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
