I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
