I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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