I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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