There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
