my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
