Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
