We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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