So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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