sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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