she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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