he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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