sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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