Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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