dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
