Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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