I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There's always time for handjobs
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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