So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
