I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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