my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
