Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
