You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
