conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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