i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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