Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
This toilet bowl is my home.
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